you are damn right – I am emotional

Last night as I got to my camp site I flicked in to facebook and saw the guy that I was so infatuated with proudly proclaim that he had a girlfriend. I must admit, being told in that way was unbelievably painful. I felt like he had just placed a fist in my stomach and walked away smiling. I literally doubled over breathless. It wasn’t a good night last!

Many thoughts have been going through my mind and heart though. Truth is, I still love him, although the infatuation certainly got burned away in that fire. I love him for opening up my heart again. It is sad that he chose such a hurtful end to our relationship, and I am pretty sure I got played. But the love I experienced and expressed was very pure, and I want to treasure that. I want to treasure my own heart and vulnerability. I do not want to allow the love I was able to experience to turn to anger, or bitterness or if I can avoid it, even hurt. He had many good qualities and is a person worthy of love. I wish him well.

I suspect he was overwhelmed by how emotional I get, and that is certainly a reaction I have seen before. As I was walking today I found myself no longer blaming me for being verly emotional. I am emotional, I can be intense, sometimes I even overwhelm myself with how emotional I get. I cry easy, laugh easy and express strong emotions with relish. In fact, emotional expression come easy to me which is why i would never hurt someone the way i was just hurt. I am also one of the most understanding, non-judgmental and loyal friends you can ever find. I am a fantastic listener, and I “get” the people around me. These qualities are all off shoots of how emotional I get. Clearly, I need a guy who can love me for all these qualities – and support me when my feelings are roaring.

 

 

 

So,  as of today I will no longer apologize for being emotional. It is part of my being, I am me.

One other thing became so clear today. This journey is an extra ordinary vulnerable experience. I am physically vulnerable out here alone. More than that, this overwhelmingly honest blog leaves very vulnerable. I have given up everything to do this, and will come home to nothing. I am very vulnerable. This journey is in so many ways my redemption. My journey back to myself, my journey back to a faith I lost. Each of you who shares this blog with me can hurt me. Yet, you guys are so amazingly supportive. I may feel I lost a lover last night, but I remembered the incredible support I have received so far and the predominant feeling tonight is gratitude. 

Thank You. Thank you each and every one of you for being part of this! You guys are special.

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One thought on “you are damn right – I am emotional

  1. I say for this journey that you are on, just focus on you!!! Love, peace and happiness, my ole hippy standbye saying still applies today. Remember, “nothing ever goes away until it teaches us what we need to know”……

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