Last night as I got to my camp site I flicked in to facebook and saw the guy that I was so infatuated with proudly proclaim that he had a girlfriend. I must admit, being told in that way was unbelievably painful. I felt like he had just placed a fist in my stomach and walked away smiling. I literally doubled over breathless. It wasn’t a good night last!
Many thoughts have been going through my mind and heart though. Truth is, I still love him, although the infatuation certainly got burned away in that fire. I love him for opening up my heart again. It is sad that he chose such a hurtful end to our relationship, and I am pretty sure I got played. But the love I experienced and expressed was very pure, and I want to treasure that. I want to treasure my own heart and vulnerability. I do not want to allow the love I was able to experience to turn to anger, or bitterness or if I can avoid it, even hurt. He had many good qualities and is a person worthy of love. I wish him well.
I suspect he was overwhelmed by how emotional I get, and that is certainly a reaction I have seen before. As I was walking today I found myself no longer blaming me for being verly emotional. I am emotional, I can be intense, sometimes I even overwhelm myself with how emotional I get. I cry easy, laugh easy and express strong emotions with relish. In fact, emotional expression come easy to me which is why i would never hurt someone the way i was just hurt. I am also one of the most understanding, non-judgmental and loyal friends you can ever find. I am a fantastic listener, and I “get” the people around me. These qualities are all off shoots of how emotional I get. Clearly, I need a guy who can love me for all these qualities – and support me when my feelings are roaring.
So, as of today I will no longer apologize for being emotional. It is part of my being, I am me.
One other thing became so clear today. This journey is an extra ordinary vulnerable experience. I am physically vulnerable out here alone. More than that, this overwhelmingly honest blog leaves very vulnerable. I have given up everything to do this, and will come home to nothing. I am very vulnerable. This journey is in so many ways my redemption. My journey back to myself, my journey back to a faith I lost. Each of you who shares this blog with me can hurt me. Yet, you guys are so amazingly supportive. I may feel I lost a lover last night, but I remembered the incredible support I have received so far and the predominant feeling tonight is gratitude.
Thank You. Thank you each and every one of you for being part of this! You guys are special.