This post will be different, it is not a travel story. From the beginning my site has been raw with emotion and realness, and most of you have appreciated it. So I will continue in that vein.
Some of you know I have fallen in love with a man, who he is or where I met him is not important, I want to talk about my experiences.
Up until now I have been completely celibate for 11 years. Not because I don’t like men or sex – God knows, I do like both. At first, I just wasnt going to be unfaithful in my marriage, even as sex fell away. Then my own self protections kept me protected, fearful of letting go. I felt ugly, fat and not desirable. And of course, I was terrified of falling in love and getting hurt. So, I cut it off completely. There were one or two enticing offers over the years, but I was too afraid. Afraid of being seen naked, being unattractive and ultimately getting hurt.
Then on this journey I felt myself opening up, and I met this guy. I wasn’t thinking of protecting myself, of getting hurt or of much of anything else – other than, Yes, I want this. I didn’t think that I am too fat to get undressed. I found myself so in the moment, the kisses and caresses opening me up, giving pleasure and more than anything else, allowing me to completely let go. I was soft, and I had zero emotional self protection.
And of course, I fell, head over heals in puppy dog love. Maybe because of the length of time since I have allowed anything, or maybe because this trail has left me so vulnerable my feelings nearly got me to my knees in desire, need for reciprocation and yearning for more, not to mention insecurity and fear of abandonment. Yes, I was walking around out here – acting like I was 14 not 41. One moment giddy with love, and the next terrified of the potential loss.
And isn’t loss all too often part of this? Reality is, this man I have fallen so deeply in love with seems to just not be ready for it. I say “seem to” because well, it is just all a bundle of confusion right now.
So I have struggled with my own needs and fears, all the time coming back to feeling almost breathless with love for this man. In this struggle I have been so blessed to be under the open sky, because this is where I find my God, my experience of the divine.
I have had moments of feeling Love simply wash over me in great waves of joy and ecstasy and pain. Sometimes I have found myself almost pushed to my knees, with tears coming down my cheeks, and not tears of horror rather tears of relief, Love, caring, compassion and forgiveness.
I see the person who pushed me beyond the brink of my endurance into suicide last year. Ohh, and he did me wrong, but I see why, I see him losing his faith and getting lost. And I feel such compassion and forgiveness – forgiveness for his weakness and forgiveness for my weakness. I wish I could ask for his forgiveness. And I wish more than anything else I can find a way to let this love wash away the horror we both lived through.
I see this man I am so fresh in love with, and I see his hurts and fears and almost feel them viscerally, and I want to cry out – No, God, NO, don’t let the cruelty, anger and pain win. Be more than that. Let in the sweetness. But truth is, I can’t make that choice for him.
So my heart breaks a little in pure compassion, as I realize I have to let him go, and do so completely. It must be his choice to allow in the love or not, and if he is not ready there is nothing I can do. And of course I am only human I want this love to grow, I want more sweetness and kisses and caresses. So, I have to let that go as well. It makes me sad, but it does not turn against me, there is nothing wrong with me or my ability to love. In fact, it is not a question of fault or guilt or shame. It is one of the quintessential struggles we have as humans. Sometimes we win, sometimes we don’t.
And in the end, that is the biggest healing of this glut of emotion – I no longer blame myself for the losses of the last few years, and potentially this fresh loss. I do not feel shame, or worthlessness. I feel sad for the losses, and I wish I or we could have found ways for Love to be stronger. But I tried and it was worth the try, it was worth the loss to have loved to begin with.
I hope I remember this lesson of the deep desert. It is always worth the loss to have loved to begin with. Because closing down my ability to love leads to such despair.
In closing, I want to ask those of you of a praying mind to pray for me. That I will find a way to truly integrate this overpowering experience. For the man that I love that he will make the choice that serves him the best. And for the person who hurt me last year that he will let find a way to reclaim his faith.