Foot on Trail

This is rare, I know I want to write a blog post tonight, because SO MUCH has happened. The rare thing is, so much has happened that I almost feel speechless.

Just over one week ago I was still struggling with the tears and the depression and the self doubt. The one thing I was not struggling with was determination. This is the walk I need to do for me at this moment in my life. This isn’t just a desire or something I think would be neat. This is a deep call in my soul. I must do this walk.

Maureen really is the most amazing friend I have ever met. Finding a friend like Maureen is something truly miraculous, and she came from NYC to help get the apartment packed up.

Tonight, well, the apartment is still in a complete moving disarray, but it is happening.

Sunday and Monday saw my yard sale, and some people were amazingly generous with their donations. Today the charity picked up 90% of the rest of my belongings – actually, they are coming back for the rest tomorrow.

I finally had to wise up, that taking all the stuff I didn’t donate to the dumpster myself was too much, so I hired a really neat handyman to do the job for me. That was money well spent!

As I look around my apartment just a few things are left. The charity and the handyman are both returning tomorrow. I still have 3 or so hours of work sorting through some stuff.

Tomorrow I am officially “homeless”, and by the end of the day my earthly possessions will fit in two midsize moving boxes. The cats go in to foster care tomorrow at 6:30 pm. Good God, but I will miss those cats.

My friends are buying my car. Letting it all go has felt so freeing, so neat. Sure, in some ways it is scary, I am without an anchor. Truth is, so many of those things were holding me in a place that felt terrible. An anchor that was pulling me below water.

From the very beginning this walk has been a spiritual quest. A quest to remember the strength I used to have, and the faith I had in myself, in others and ultimately in God. Getting here, right now has been a roller coaster of fear, disconnect, doubt all of it interspersed with determination and excitement when I experienced people who saw my vision. I think the reason this has been such a roller coaster is exactly because I had lost my way, my footing and my faith had been stretched to the breaking point and beyond. With my footing and my faith so stretched every single obstacle, unkind word or unkind act had an impact.

In spite of all the obstacles, and there have been many, I am now here, I am ready to go. I am so proud of myself that this time, now I did not give up, I did not melt away. I mean it, I am going to do this walk, and I have so many contingencies planned, I know I can do it. Of course I can do it. This is an investment in myself, and this time I am not stopping right as it becomes reality. There will be times on the road when I doubt myself again, and the obstacles will seem insurmountable, of course there will be. I will NOT give up.

I am also so grateful. Along the way some people have simply made this possible. Without the loving support of Maureen I would have been nowhere. Without Jesper my amazing benefactor I could not walk. Without Camilla so many of my nice belongings would not be sold. Then there were the amazingly generous people at the yard sale who more often than not donated above and beyond what was expected. Then there were my donors, many of which never met me in person. Without every single dime that was donated, every single encouraging word that were offered this would not be possible. As I see this plan come to fruition my faith seems to grow again. The obstacles, even as I felt they were insurmountable, were in fact not.

I imagine arriving in Santa Monica. I know I will start to walk very early in the morning, and I know I will do the ritual of dipping my toes in the pacific before departure. I know I will most likely be alone as I depart, and that now feel so appropriate. The sentence that keep running through my head is:”Foot on Trail”. When I depart, I put “Foot on Trail”. I can taste it now, it is happening. Soon I will set foot on trail.

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